Well...at least, I have difficulty identifying my emotions and sharing them which has led to my incapability to form long term relationships...
Signs (credits to reddit haha):
- They never/rarely use the words "I feel" and when you ask how they feel they either say "fine" every time, say they don't know, tell you how they feel physically ("tired" etc.), or tell you what they think (e.g. "I feel like other people don't see me as an equal"). Ok, but how does it make them feel? They won't be able to answer this question, or if they can they will just say "bad". They can't tell the difference between different emotions and don't have words for those emotions so it's just a very vague sensation that they can't describe.
- They don't validate your emotions, they try to solve them instead. People who haven't had their own emotions validated don't understand the purpose of emotional validation, so they try to help you with your emotions by fixing them because that's what they do for themselves. They do this out of love and care for you and don't understand why you're upset or feel resentful that you're treating them like they're being mean when actually they just want you to be happy. (Hint: The way to change this is to offer repeat emotional validation for them - this can be difficult since they can't tell you how they feel, so you might have to guess "that must make you feel really alone", for example. In my case, it was a therapist that did this for me and when I understand the purpose of validation having experienced it myself then I started wanting to provide it to others).
- They want you to justify your emotions because they use that rule on themselves - they do not consider their own emotions to be valid or important if they can't be justified 'logically' so they dismiss their own welfare and will dismiss yours too unless you can 'make it valid' through justification. If you can't justify,then they will just say "well don't feel like that". Because that's what they do. They just 'shut it down' (they don't, really, they 'bottle it up', but they think they're shutting it down). Again, if you want an answer, then this comes from a lack of validation of their own emotions and they need to learn that their emotions are valid.
- Instead of discussing problems in relationships, they grow increasingly resentful, don't say anything, then just leave. They have an aversion to discussion because they think it is a type of coercion to ask for change and they feel that the relationship would be somehow 'impure' if anyone had to change anything about themselves. They have a fantasy of a 'perfect' match where both parties just always do everything right and there is never any conflict or resentment. They reach for that (completely unattainable) goal.
- They don't (or rarely) express emotion in their face or voice. They seem "chill" about everything. They seem totally unaffected. Every few years they suddenly break down and experience a storm of emotions they can't understand. They will say things like "why am I upset?" or "I don't understand what's happening to me". This is because they don't have an emotional language.
- They rarely discuss their relationships with others, but when they do they talk about it using stone cold logic and show absolutely no emotion. They don't understand why other people have emotions about it. They claim to "genuinely" not be upset when others treat them badly.
I think this is largely due to the state of emotional detachment that I have retained as a coping mechanism to childhood verbal and physical abuse. It also fits my self-diagnosed fearful-avoidant attachment style.
I feel that this is having an effect on my interpersonal relationships and also hinders my communication skills so I really would like to solve it.
Action plan: I will try to keep an emotions diary to start identifying my feelings and to start connecting with my emotions.
